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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.