me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I am HOWLING at this
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Monday
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Single and childfree like Jesus
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.