Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”