The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
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one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*