Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
You Might Also Like
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?