Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of leechee420's best tweets

@leechee420 : Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

@leechee420: Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn't have happened if it had been a Snickers.

@leechee420: Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

@leechee420: I saw my friend's kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like "good luck guys" and walked away. I'd be a great mother.

@leechee420: How do I tell a guy that I'm only interested in him because I'd like to take selfies with his puppy?

@leechee420: Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let's take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

@leechee420: Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I'm expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

@leechee420: Listen google, it's 2015. I need you to figure out who I'm talking about when I type "that one guy in that movie I didn't like."

@leechee420: One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I'm going to visit.

@leechee420: I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.