*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Finished stitching this today 😇
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.