my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.