Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Why I divorced her.