*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.