Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
You Might Also Like
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Yup.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes