@lemonmartinis

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

@lemonmartinis

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

@lemonmartinis

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

@lemonmartinis

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

@lemonmartinis

How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute

@lemonmartinis

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll