You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
You Might Also Like
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
bro what is going on at twitter
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.