Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.