DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
You Might Also Like
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
So we got a goldfish…
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO