I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
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Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*