When your teen is already bigger than you are…
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Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
That’s fair
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual