Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”