I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.
1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE
Oh, you solved a murder? I guess that’s cool. One time I didn’t run over my ex when I saw him crossing the street. I prevented a murder.
I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.
“I’m gonna cramp your style.” – Menstruation
Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.
32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.