@leslid79

I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.

@leslid79

1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE

@leslid79

Oh, you solved a murder? I guess that’s cool. One time I didn’t run over my ex when I saw him crossing the street. I prevented a murder.

@leslid79

I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.

@leslid79

“I’m gonna cramp your style.” – Menstruation

@leslid79

Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.

@leslid79

32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.