You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
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My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck