Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
catch me on valentine’s day like
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*