I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.