If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
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Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
me before I type out affect or effect
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.