accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
shampoo implies shampee
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club