Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog