Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Every damn time
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.