If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*puts cutlery down*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication