My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.