Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
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I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
what
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive