@lifecoachfit

Him: I hope you die a slow painful death

Me: oh, no I’m not married

@lifecoachfit

Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic.

You’re welcome.

@lifecoachfit

Him: What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?

Me: oh, um, science.

@lifecoachfit

The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.

@lifecoachfit

I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.

Shhhhh. Stop crying.

@lifecoachfit

It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: “your turn”