Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda