The best plant holders?
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* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[eats all your cotton candy]
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.