You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
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I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
A bold strategy