Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
You Might Also Like
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )