*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
You Might Also Like
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?