The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship