I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.