I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Every photo I’m tagged in
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.