If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.
Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.
Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.
Guys say “never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn’t die” as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.
Siri just said I’m looking for love in all the wrong places so I’m tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.
Daaaaamn boy. Are you an Adobe update? Cause you keep showing up and I still don’t want you.
Did you mean pacific or specific?
Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.
Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you?” is a bad answer, apparently.
I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.
“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.