[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.