“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
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My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I have so many questions.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no