Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
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*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”