*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
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I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]