I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
You Might Also Like
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar