doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo


doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo


i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol


netflix: *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!


society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet


society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows


bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool


her: do you believe in astrology?

me: yeah of course stars exist

her: no like horoscopes

me: ohhh, i use a telescope


8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*


interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me: *slides can of spinach across table* what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeye’s


god: *texts dinosaur jesus*

dinosaur jesus: *ghosts him*

god: thats it *hurls phone at earth*


dinosaur jesus: wtf is that thing