friend: what are you doing

me: performing a ritual and trying to summon a demon

friend: …

me [dancing around pentagram]: come on shake your body baby do the conga

friend: its not work—

demon [rising through portal]: i know you cant control yourself any longer


gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef


carnival employee: how many marbles—

me: *eats all the marbles*

carnival employee: —are in this jar

me [confidently]: zero

carnival employee:


carnival employee:

me: you meant jellybeans, right?


professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale


[alternate lobster universe]

lobster king: send them in

[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]

lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT


john hancock spilled baked beans on the declaration of independence then tried to cover it up & the real reason nicolas cage stole it was to prove this theory correct, thus making national treasure a documentary & why massachusetts is known for baked beans. in this thesis i will


toad: bowser has kidnapped the princess

king toadstool: what should we do?

toad: we need to call the plumbers

king toadstool: the plumbers?

toad: *looking at giant piranha plant in toilet* yes


dominos: thank you for calling dominos, pick up or delivery

stoner: wait, so like, i could’ve sworn you made pizza