What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.