professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood


me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again


the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor


professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale


priest: you must atone with a hail mary

quarterback: howd you get in the huddle


james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint


[first date]

her: so, do you swing?

me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw

her husband: that’s not what she meant


garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please