*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: