Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.