People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10