Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow