Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
the red hot silly peppers
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.